Some Bards Are Gooder Than Others: The Further Adventures of Tirian & Jewel

This month's 'They're not as poetic as they think' prize goes to another classic attempt at simile by regular winners, Tirian and Jewel: "It is as if the sun rose one day and were a black sun."
"I know," said Jewel. "Or as if you drank water and it were dry water. This is the end of all things. Let us go and give ourselves up."

Tirian: 'Or as if,as if you ate a bag of monster munch and they were air flavoured,'

Jewel: 'Fuck's sake Tirian stop looking at my exercise book and stealing all my simile ideas. And get some human friends you girl-haired munder'

Tirian: 'Well what is dry water anyway. Just because you found that copy of Ted Hughes 'The Iron Man', doesn't make you the Poet Laureate of Narnia.'

Jewel: 'Only virgins can approach unicorns Tirian. Fact.'

Tirian: 'I have massively had sex. With loads of dryads. At a time. And talking animals.'

Jewel: No you haven't or you couldn't come near me, and globbing off to that portrait of Susan Pevensie doesn't count'

Tirian: Let's not fight,I hate it when we argue.' [They nuzzle. Jewel becomes excited]'Hey King Lune's got a poetry jam on in Archenland this evening,let's do it.'

Roonwit: "So how was that poetry night thing you guys went to at Anvard?"

Jewel: "Oh we didn't go. It was spitting and we didn't fancy getting soaked on the way there."

Roonwit: "Oh...crap."

Jewel: "Nah, it's ok...well, no. I was actually real...ly, really disappointed... really disappointed. It was like eating a delicious cheeseburger and then discovering that there was no cheese in it. Or burger. Tirian said it was like inviting a hundred guests to your birthday party and then finding they were murderer guests. Or like doing the ironing and then finding - "

Roonwit: *looks at moon* Wo, is that the time? I've got this thing..it's like...now and..."
(sound of hooves)

(2 posts in 1 day. Though really this was Ben 'The War' Warwick's idea, which I sadly ruined by trying to introduce sex into Narnia. It's all Susan's fault, or Joy Gresham's or something. Anyway it's from The Last Battle, the one they will never ever film ever. Never.
Though the only way to really do this justice is have Michael Hordern read the part of Roonwit, Tony Slattery as Jewel and whoever you can get as Tirian, maybe Nick Hancock - he's in nothing a lot nowadays. Or whoever played Eustace in the BBC Narnia).