My Year of Dallas

It's possible that you are unaware of the fact that there are 357 episodes of the soap opera, Dallas.
It is not possible that you are unaware of the soap opera, Dallas.
Now there are 2 TV Movies (War of the Ewings and Return to Dallas)
There was also the 'mini series' Dallas the Early Years (divided into 2)
Finally there was the cast reunion: Return to Southfork.
Which gives us a total of 362 watchable episodes of Dallas.
Which is 1 a day for a year with 3 days empty days. Now I'm sure you can fill them with something - your spouse's birthday/ a religious festival or two, but we both know it's not the same. Note I haven't included Knott's Landing (a mere 344 episodes)- though some do guest star Bobby, J.R. and even Kristin.
Anyway here is part of

My Year of Dallas:

J.R. EWING

I want to tell you about the time I met Mr J.R. Ewing in a motorway service station.

At the time I was on the road a lot. I worked for a well known producer of savoury snack foods popular with the roadside community. I can not name them as they are real and may well come after me, but suffice to say they made a lot of pasties, sausage rolls, savoury slices and pork and pickle pies.

I had just received a big order near Thurrock, when there, before me, unmistakeably was Mr J.R. Ewing of Dallas, Texas. Live, in the flesh, larger than life itself. He was enjoying a scotch egg bar from a rival manufacturer whilst trying to obtain a toy from one of the many quality vending machines. We recognised each other at once.

‘Hey there boy. How’re you doing ?’
J.R. is all smiles, he is always pleased to see me. We have been friends for many years. I think it is because he knows that, whatever happens, I am on his side.
‘Good to see you J.R.. Always good to see you. Let me get you a drink, it’s been too long.’
The shop doesn’t do his usual, bourbon and branchwater, so we make do. I have an energy drink made from bull sick and he has a Fanta. We sit on the kerb and catch up:
‘ . . . ever since young Bobby took up with that Barnes woman he’s started getting interested in the business. Now I’m out on the road whilst he’s in the office with daddy.’
‘Don’t worry J.R., you’ll think of something. You always do.’
‘I don’t know. It really isn’t looking good for ole J.R..’
‘Anything I can do to help ?’
‘I don’t know, this isn’t like selling pasties. If I could just think of a way to ruin that Barnes woman. Maybe if Bobby saw her with Ray. They used to have a thing a while back . . .’
‘That’s not a bad idea. But I’ve got a better one. Not far from here, deep within a forest, lives a witch. Now apparently she has an enchanted spinning wheel. It’s said whoever pricks their finger on it, will sleep for one hundred years. Find that; if Pam pricks her finger, then there’ll be no need for Bobby to stay in the office. He’ll be back on the road in no time and you’ll be back with your daddy running Ewing Oil, where you belong.’
J.R. looked at me with tears in his eyes. Tears of gratitude.

Disaster. The spinning wheel was lost in transit. It was being shipped back to Galveston on one of Mr Eugene’s oil tankers. I think his wife Sally may have been responsible. She is a very tricky lady. Mr Eugene is no fool, he knows what’s going on, but doesn’t care. That Sally, she is one fine woman, even if you can’t trust her. I send her a Chicken and Mushroom slice as a compliment. I wonder how J.R. will take the news. He’ll need me by his side at this difficult time. We arrange to meet at a Little Chef on the way to Welwyn Garden City, but I am forced to abandon the rendezvous. It is clear I am being followed; Bobby and Cliff must have got wind of our plans and are trying to use me to get to J.R.. I can’t let that happen. I ditch my car and go cross country, they won’t be able to follow me. But I am wrong, they have hired a spotter plane. I am able to get a message to J.R.’s secretary, Luella, from a public telephone. Hopefully he will get it and just keep on driving.
I am forced to spend four days hiding out in a bunker on a nine hole golf course, just to be safe. I can not say, but I think the heat is off. At least for now.
When I get home, on the doorstep is a bottle of champagne, a pair of slippers and a tin of Quality Street. J.R. always takes care of his friends.

I’ve just seen Sue Ellen having lunch. I spotted her queuing for the All You Can Eat Buffet at Pizza Hut and she wasn’t alone. I know she didn’t see me though. I like to be careful. That woman is a tramp and a drunk, I don’t know why J.R. puts up with her, he really is too good for that woman. I’ve decided to help him out by spying on her and finding out her plans.
I sneak around to the back of the building and find myself a spare uniform. Hang on someone’s coming. Don’t panic, keep calm. Remember J.R. fought in Korea. What would he do ?

Fortunately it was only the Assistant Manager. I’ve left him tied up in the store room under a pile of pizza boxes. I doubt he will raise the alarm anytime soon, I clubbed him pretty hard, and when I hit people they stay down. Just like Jock taught me.

I pretend to take the order from the table next to Sue Ellen, she doesn’t even notice and only has eyes for her new man. I don’t see who it is at first, he has his back to me, and then he turns his head and I realise who she’s with. I nearly blow my cover and my cool when I see her companion; none other than Cliff Barnes. I just think what would J.R. do. He needs me now, he needs me to be strong. For him.

‘ Deep Pan Supreme Family Feast with Super Cheesy Garlic Bread.’
I look at the excitement, the bare unconcealed greed on their fat faces. Don’t you understand what’s going on, how can you be happy when J.R.’s arch-rival is in the next booth, having lunch and more besides with his enemy’s wife. But they don’t understand, how can they, little nothing people, barely real at all. They can’t even begin to comprehend what this will do to J.R., sure he’s tough, he’s had to be, but he loves that woman, why does nobody but me see that. I throw their order in the bin, it’s the least I can do, maybe it will teach them a lesson. Now I’ve got to speak to J.R., he must know at once and it is better that he hear it from me than from some stranger.

J.R. doesn’t take the news well. He puts a brave face on it, but I can hear the quaver in his voice, most people wouldn’t notice, but I do. Most people don’t realise how vulnerable he really is, they just see the hat and the face he shows them: ‘Good Ole J.R..’ But I know the real him, the boy behind the man, who yearns for his daddy’s approval and his mother’s love. He’s had to fight for everything. Gary and Bobby never had to get their hands dirty, it was all laid out on a platter for them, just like breakfast at Southfork every morning. Not J.R. though, he earned every cent of it. Now he’s got a new fight on his hands, a fight for the woman he loves, and I’m going to see that he wins it.