Robert’s Nest Egg

At last there’s proof. For years many of you have clung to the ridiculous belief there’s a parallel universe out there. A world where you work for the British Secret Service, under the cover of running a small independent cinema on the south coast of England, and Katie Pike didn’t dump you. And you actually look a bit like Charlie Sheen (like he was in Navy Seals, not now).
And you’re not fat, don’t live in France with someone who maybe used to be a man, never spent two months living in your wife’s shed, no one threw eggs at you for wearing a suit to college (and carrying a briefcase), nor did they shout ‘oi Blazer’ at you as they did so.

Yes, this other, better, world is real. It was created on Monday. Nothing to do with the Hadron Collider or Einstein-Rosen bridges or black holes or any of that science guff. Nope. The universe spontaneously diverged after Rob dealt too early on Deal or No Deal.

Rob was a big, gentle chap with two jobs, mild learning difficulties and a fondness for bingo. He had his list of numbers but after some early setbacks he decided to call it a day at £8000.
Everyone liked him.
Except Noel.

Noel in case you had forgotten, used to steal toys from children by pretending to be other children – he operated a fake used toy exchange out of an old warehouse that used to belong to the BBC. Appallingly haircutted children would send in toys in the belief they were going to get a slightly used Action Man paratrooper playset. The whole thing got shut down after Watchdog investigated. Noel never got involved directly and his middleman, ‘Cheggers’ Chegwin did time (he got early parole for organising inflatable obstacle courses for underage prisoners).

And twinkly triangular-headed Noel plays out ‘what would have happened.’
Just for fun.
And because it’s in the contract.
If Noel doesn’t get to rub salt and piss in the wound, whilst pretending to look sympathetic. No eight thousand pounds for you. That’s the deal.

And the big-haired, small hearted prince of highlights, sort of Branson look-a-like has struck gold.
Rob’s got his mum with him and he’s crying and she’scrying. And Noel’s rubbing his hands like he’s about to start singing ‘You’ve got to pick a pocket or two.’
If Rob had stuck to his list he could have had the quarter of a million.
But he didn’t.
So he lost.
And Noel loved it.

At this point the universe had enough.
It’s been sitting there whilst every day 22 of Schrodinger’s boxes spew out poison.
So now there are two universes one where Rob won and one where he didn’t.

Of course in both of them, Kerry-Ann’s husband leaves her after she gambled away £130,000. You can see it in his eyes and there are some things the universe can’t fix.